-My neighbor scrapped the ice off my windshield so I could get to work on time.

-My gracious students went out of their way to be helpful and attentive even though I could barely even talk to them (yep… I typed out nearly the whole lesson for them to read… there’s a first for everything!)

-Two of my wonderful co-workers brought me chicken soup, throat coat tea, and Emergen-C packets!

-A bunch of people texted me and told me that they were praying for me to get better.

In a weird way, I’m glad that I lost my voice this week. It’s been a humbling reminder of what an incredible community God’s placed me in! And yet another chance to see that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I went into the week thinking that I was alone. How quickly I was proven wrong! I’m still on the mend, but my spirit is ever-encouraged from the whole ordeal.

A time for kneading love’s leaven well,
to open up and go beyond ourselves;
and as we reach for this moment, we know
that love is a gift born in care.

A time for hoping and being still,
to go on turning away from brittle fear.
A time to come back with all of one’s heart
and bending to another’s call.

This is our journey through forests tall;
our paths may differ; and yet among them all
life’s dreams and visions sustain us on our way,
as loving gives birth to joy, gives birth to joy.

“I’m happy when I eat good food with people that I like.”

“Traveling makes me feel happy. I get a energy and learning of life through traveling.”

“It makes me happy to go to sleep when I feel tired.”

“My heart is very happy when I can help another people.”

“When studying for exams and my effort and give my all, when I’m responsible with my stuff.”

“I make happy when I read interesting book and when I cook in my kitchen.”

“I have a dad, mum and a sister. When I study I think about them and it makes me happy.”

“Fall is my favorite season in Korea. I like to watch the leaves fall on the ground and see red and yellow fall foliage in the mountains and fields. This makes me happy.”

“I have a lot of difficulty in learning English. But my family greatly encourage to me. So, my family and I am happy.”

Reading all of these really blessed me tonight. They are so simple, yet each statement resonated in my heart. So many of these things are universal. They speak of human desires for love, belonging, comfort, and relationships. These things transcend country and culture. The more I learn about other cultures, not only do I discover the differences; I discover the connections. In so many ways, we are all very much the same.

-Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest)

Lord, increase my faith I pray!

I went for a walk in a cemetery with a dear friend of mine. This is one of our favorite pastimes. This particular cemetery had a little side garden that was dedicated to the 12 apostles, with a small inscription written about each of their individual lives. We sat there a while, taking in the scenery and sharing a bit. The conversation soon turned to the concept of missing people. And how unnatural it feels when someone dies, to know that you will miss them the rest of the time you are on earth. And yet for that person, life has only just begun.

Around that time, I heard a dove cooing in a nearby tree. My friend asked me what I was thinking about. And my eyes started welling up with tears! Before I knew what was happening, I told her how that sound took me immediately back to my childhood. My grandparents lived beachside, and growing up, there would always be morning doves outside by their pool. It was a sound that often greeted me when I woke up in the morning after spending the night there. (Don’t worry… I didn’t sleep by the pool. Haha. In case you were concerned.) Thinking about my grandpa created quite a stirring in my heart. I wasn’t prepared for it.

These past several months I have been painfully aware of the fact that I will never get to have another conversation with my grandpa during the rest of my earthly life. It was so weird to me that he wasn’t at my graduation this year. I actually had to remind myself at one point that he wouldn’t be there. The last time I saw him was right before I left for Australia in 2008. I said goodbye to him before I left because I had this strange feeling he wouldn’t be there when I got back. And in fact, he wasn’t. He actually died the day before I came home.

I have changed so much in the last three years. So much life has happened! It’s surreal for me to think about the fact that he never knew anything about the experiences I had overseas. I never got to tell him about the incredible people I’ve met and how they’ve enriched my life. Gracious, I’m teaching English classes now to international students and he never even knew that I chose TESL as my degree. How crazy. There are so many questions I’d love to ask him, things I wish we could discuss. He was one of my favorite people to have a conversation with. He showed so much value to the people he was speaking with. As if he truly had never heard anything more fascinating than what that person was telling him. He always believed in me far more than I ever believed in myself. He was one of my biggest encouragers. He was also one of my favorite people to laugh with. We had such a good time together.

I miss him terribly.

As I sat there in that cemetery, I cried about it for the first time in almost two years. I never got to acknowledge a season of mourning when he died. I packed up four weeks after his funeral and moved to Virginia. And I’ve never lived in Florida since. I remember sitting in class that Fall and suddenly being feeling overwhelmed with a painful sadness at the realization that he was gone. What was even harder was realizing that life was moving on. Without him. It took a long time for it to really sink in that he had actually died. Sometimes I’d have dreams that he’d be sitting around the table with us and I’d asked him where he’d been this whole time. I’d wake up feeling as if the conversation had really happened.

It was so good to remember him tonight and even cry about it. I got to tell Catherine a little bit about what he was like. He was such a remarkable person! So cultured and well-read. He loved to learn. Until the week he died he was still going to the Library every week to check out new books. He loved music and was an avid appreciator of a wide variety of genres and composers. He also loved cooking and was well-versed in the culture of fine food & fine wine. He loved his family so much. It was a rare occasion if he didn’t choke up during prayer at the dinner table. Thanking God for his family always overwhelmed him with a sense of gratitude and unworthiness. It was so precious to know that!

My grandpa didn’t truly surrender his heart and life to Jesus until a few years before he died. He grew up a devout Catholic but towards his final years, he began to question whether or not he truly knew the Lord and had repented of his sin. After living a lifetime pursuing worth and meaning through all these other things that he loved (good things mind you!), I believe he was more alive in those last few years than he was the 90-something before. I know there was brokenness his life, and I’m sure there’s much about him none of us ever knew. But what hit me tonight in that little garden is was the thought that now he has been made whole and complete. A fuller being than he ever was during his time on earth. He lives in the presence of the Author of life; the one who gives meaning to all that we are. Here we spend our lives trying to find significance and worth, whether through our ambitions or accomplishments. And all along it is found in Him, the Source. Truth, Goodness and Beauty are his very essence. And I saw how my grandpa sought these things out as best as he could. Yet now his searching has been made complete. By finding freedom and forgiveness from sin in his last few years of life, he now gets to celebrate that freedom for the rest of eternity. What a thought! What a blessedly wondrous thought.

I still miss him. And I’m sure I always will. But what I’ve mostly been thinking tonight is how much I look forward to the day when we will be able to worship the Author together. Forever.

1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

-the last day of undergrad… what?

-the last hall meeting with my girls

-the last few nights of curfew checks

-the last day of my ESL internship

-the last leadership meeting with my team

-the last RA appreciation banquet

-the last paper for undergrad (still working on finals!)

-a lot of last looks at precious faces that i may never see again

-and tonight is my last leadership function as i pass the torch to next year’s team.

blink and it’s over. that’s how the last 3 years have felt.

it’s all so surreal. i feel like i probably won’t even fully comprehend everything until i am in the car with my family a week from today on my way home to florida. i’ll be home for a few weeks to watch my little brother graduate from high school before returning to the burg.

how can it be that i am graduating from college? i’m wearing the same cap and gown that i used in high school (black is such a convenient color). i remember giving a speech at my h.s. graduation and challenging my (very small) class of fellow home-schoolers to be open to whatever the Lord had in store for them. and i also remember thinking that i knew so much! haha. i really thought i had my life figured out at that point. here i am five years later and i am all-too aware of how little i really know! maybe that’s the beauty of it. as you get older you realize that you’re never going to have it all figured out. you never stop learning! at least you shouldn’t.

i didn’t plan on writing out some sort of persuasive speech. just reflecting. i am going back to study for my last two finals. then this week i get to check out my building and say goodbye to the last few girls left on my hall. i have so loved the time spent loving these girls for the past 9 months. they have brought joy to my heart! and have taught me more than i can even express. i’ve only cried a little so far this week. i imagine that will change as i pack up boxes, collect keys and put on my regalia. again, surreal may be my favorite (and overly-used) word these days. closing one chapter to open the next. what a strange and wonderful little transition i am stepping into…

Seeing those words typed just amazes me. How did the three years at Liberty fly by so fast? I can remember so many details about everything that was happening right before I transferred. Even right before I left for Australia. I knew I was standing on the brink of change. Little did I know all that the next three years would bring!

I’ve been sitting in this little coffee shop for several hours now. Just needed to get a break from my usual pace. Which is far too hurried these days. I heard someone say the other day that the only way to slow time down is to be present. Isn’t that interesting? I think if I spent less time pondering on the future and more time investing in the here-and-now, I would see how rich my life truly is. And most of the time I do see it. But lately I have been a victim of my own crazy schedule. Part of me keeps thinking that life will slow down after school. And I guess to an extent that is true. Mostly because I won’t be in classes any more. And I won’t be an RA any more either. Which is such a weird thought! In two weeks I’ll be an alumni. How to surreal to be finishing undergrad! I don’t think it’s gonna hit me for a while. Of course, I won’t be too far from the classroom, considering the profession I’ve chosen. Haha.

On Easter morning my pastor had us sit there and write down 10 things we were thankful for and then reflect on all the ways that God had poured out His grace in our lives. What a wonderful, humbling exercise! God truly has lavished me. I was thinking today about the small wonders that make up the every-day. Tiny reflections of His grace in my life.

On Thursday I went for a run and ended up sitting in this field for a long time. My thoughts were scattered all over the place. And started wondering what exactly the rest of the year is going to be like. Or the rest of my life. I looked at the little purple wildflowers that were every where. Immediately I thought of this passage from Matthew 6:

“Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” (v. 28-30)

How challenging! Lately I’ve been wondering how the Lord is going to work out all of the details that seem so hazy to me right now. Why is it easier to say weighty things such as, “Lord, take my life and use it for your glory,” yet not give Him control of what I’m doing right now? He wants my life now, not later. Even as I’ve been writing this, these tiny, speckled finches have been hopping around under the tables outside, eating little crumbs and bits of pastries that have fallen to the ground. So happy and content!

“Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” (v. 26-27)

When I stop long enough to think about everything that God has done (and is doing) in my every-day, moment-by-moment life… I can only respond with a sense of humility and awe. He has been so faithful. He has only ever been faithful.

He has fought for my trust and proven His character to me over and over again.

He pursues me in a way that sometimes shocks me.

My heart is so prone to wander and walk away. Yet, He’ll have none of it.

He forgives my sin and remembers it no more!

By His grace, He draws me back to Himself and sets my eyes back on Jesus. Such wondrous love!

I have had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with three different students this past month. Two of them are from China and one of from Vietnam. Such precious girls! I’ve been so blessed to be able to build friendships with all three of them these last couple months. And humbled too. This semester I have really seen in my own heart how difficult it is for me to receive the Lord’s grace and love towards me. Back in March I went to a prayer conference with my church. While I was there I got to pray with this precious older couple named Bert and Priscilla. At one point Bert looked at me and said, “Bethany, I think you understand God’s love intellectually. But that’s not enough. You have to receive it in your heart and believe that it’s true!” What a challenge that was for me! And honestly, in sharing with all three of these girls, I think it’s the first time where I have been able to truly say that I can relate when the Gospel seems too good to be true. It’s because it is too good! But praise God – it is also true!

In so many ways, I feel like this journey of trusting Jesus has only just begun. In season and out, He is truly the reason that I can say, life is beautiful.

Selah…

A few things that have made this week wonderful:

-I wrote my last research paper ever! (For undergrad that is. lol.) What a strange feeling! The semester is flying by… can’t believe spring break starts Friday!

-Amazon was selling the Mumford & Sons album for $5.99 so I got it and love it! They’ve been on my radar for a while now but I haven’t owned any of their stuff. Love the Brit accents. Their blog’s pretty spiffy too if you ever wanna check it out.

-I got three letters in the mail today. That never happens! Including a postcard from my friend Alanna who is in Kenya and a card  from my sweet sister!

-Speaking of which, Heather is flying up here for our 21st and 23rd birthdays next month! (Yep, we share the same birthday! ) That hasn’t happened in 3 years so I am super excited and can’t wait to see her/be with her! It’s gonna be a blast.

-I bought my ticket today to see the one and only Brooke Fraser on May 4th! Really excited for that too!

-My girls have totally blessed me this week. So many encouraging conversations! I really have the best job ever. The hours are long and sometimes I get weary… but at the end of the day, I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be than in this season right now with these precious girls. Trying to savor every moment!

-Totally random… but today I was in the dining hall and I heard a kid say, “Stop… hehe! Stop hissing in my ear!” (Which I immediately recognized as a line from the old Disney cartoon version of Robin Hood. Easily one of the best movies they ever made!) Any way, I couldn’t resist (and a friend of mine knew him and had stopped to say hi) so I jumped in with one of my favorite lines too. He asked if I could imitate the chicken with the Irish accent. Much to his amusement, I could. lol. Story of my life! Haha.

Thoughts that are higher…

You know that God is trying to speak to you or get your attention when you start seeing or hearing themes in sermons, conversations, etc. In the last two days I have heard or come across this passage from Isaiah 55 not once or twice, but three times. First my Etymology prof. was talking about the grandness of the universe yesterday and how vast God’s omniscience spans. That his thoughts are the equivalent of light years above our own. And yet He is mindful of us! Also, we had a missionary speak on the hall last night and she talked about her life-long journey of learning to trust the Lord and surrender her life to Him, and encouraging the girls to obey Him no matter the cost (she spoke from that passage too). Then today I somehow wound up in the same passage without even trying to. The whole chapter is worth pouring over.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” -Isaiah 55:8

I’m so glad that I do not serve a God who’s thoughts are on the same level as my own. How could worship someone who was my equal? Nay, He is high above of, both in thought and deed! Tozer describes Him as “altogether other,” which was a concept that also seemed to enthrall the saints of old. We can’t wrap our minds around Him, yet He seeks us out and challenges us to do the same! He pursues us and desires relationship. This great God who is so much higher than me, still says to me, “Come.” May He teach our hearts to respond to Him as we learn to relinquish our rights and trust that His ways are indeed much higher and better than our own. Selah…

-a good flick from redbox on friday night

-strawberries dipped in nutella

-sleeping in on saturday morning (a rare treat for me!)

-listening to tozer’s “the pursuit of God” in audi0 book form

-walking through the black water creek trail today

-lunch at the farm basket (little cafe on the black water creek)

-seeing an dear friend who was in town for the day

-dinner and a bonfire with friends from my life group

-watching “my fair lady” for a paper (how fun to watch a musical for homework!)

all of these are fairly ordinary things in and of themselves. but the combination made the weekend quite pleasant. often it is the simple things in life that bring the heart the most joy. and the weekend isn’t even over yet! what a blessing. for all the days that i can worry about what the future holds and how i will find solutions for all of the unknowns… i’m glad today that i remembered to stop and just enjoy the ride a little bit. sometimes living “in the moment” is exactly what we need to do. for the sake of reminding our hearts to be present and find joy in the place God has us in. i know that’s true for me any way. may our hearts learn to find rest in Him!